The word “boundaries” can be thrown around quite, making it confusing to understand what they are. Lana May, a relationship coach known as the Man Whisperer, says that boundaries are a way to honor and love ourselves while also respecting our boundaries.
A common misconception she sees is that people often mistake rules for boundaries. “Rules can be rigid and based on fear,” she says, “Whereas boundaries come from experience, self-respect, and self-awareness. Boundaries are a healthy way of communicating how you want to be treated in a relationship.”
Establishing and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
According to May, there are many different types of boundaries to consider: emotional, physical, personal space boundaries, communication boundaries, and financial boundaries, to name a few. Establishing and maintaining them creates a guardrail for relationships, helping couples develop a sense of individuality, respect, and emotional safety.
When establishing boundaries, one of the most common challenges that May finds is speaking up.
“Often, people tend to people-please because they don’t want to offend or upset their partner, but it often backfires and creates resentment in the long run,” says May. “There are times when we fear that expressing our dislikes might lead to our partner leaving us. Therefore, out of fear of abandonment, people often remain silent until it eventually escalates into a fight.”
Effectively Communicating Your Boundaries When It Feels Difficult
So, how can you communicate your boundaries effectively, especially when it feels tough? May suggests taking the time to understand your own needs and limits first. Reflect on the different types of boundaries and where you’d like change. Then, when addressing your partner, she recommends finding a private place to speak without being distracted.
When you speak, Lana advises using “I” statements to express your feelings without being accusatory. “Clearly articulate your boundaries and expectations,” she says. Additionally, she encourages couples to “be open to finding a middle ground that respects both your boundaries and your partner’s needs, if it feels right.”
Dealing with Different Boundary Preferences
What if your boundary preferences differ significantly from your partner’s? Get curious. Lana says to take the time to understand the underlying reasons and why you might have different boundary preferences. Spending that time with open and honest conversations can help you get to a better understanding of each other’s perspectives.
Maintaining Independence While Respecting Your Partner’s Boundaries
Independence is crucial in a relationship, and Lana May stresses the importance of open and honest conversations. “Engage in an open and honest conversation with your partner about your need for independence and the boundaries you’d like to establish,” she suggests. Similarly, she encourages your partner to express their boundaries as well. “Find a healthy balance between individual interests and shared activities,” she advises. “Understand and respect each other’s need for alone time and personal space.”
Healthy boundaries are an ally in the world of relationships. They empower you to be your best self while fostering respect and love within your partnerships. So don’t be afraid to set and communicate your boundaries because, as Lana May emphasizes, they are the building blocks of a strong and fulfilling relationship.