If you were paying attention in anatomy classes, you might remember the sexual response cycle. Even if you were paying attention, there’s a good chance you missed it because it was probably one slide in the sexual organs presentation (if it was even mentioned).
Here’s the thing: this lack of understanding has set a lot of us up for failure. Think about it. When was the last time you were upset that a sexual partner didn’t want to have sex? Or maybe you were upset that your sexual partner always wanted to have sex. Much of it has to do with our sexual response cycle and how we’re individually wired.
A proper understanding of the sexual response cycle is crucial in understanding our relationship with sex. The most common model that we’re taught has four stages: desire, arousal, orgasm, and then resolution. Sound familiar? Most of us have been there before: feeling the desire which then sparks the fire of arousal, warming up the body, peaking at orgasm, and then simmering down to the resolution—pillow talks and cuddles. It’s fairly linear, but it’s not the only model that exists.
Dr. Rosemary Basson, a pioneer in female sexual research, created a different model that is more in line with the full spectrum of sexual experiences. For many people, desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal. Have you ever felt ambivalent about the idea of sex until after foreplay, and then your desire finally started to pick up speed? Or maybe you need a romantic bath, dim lights, and an environment of seduction to get into the headspace. That’s called responsive sexual desire; it’s when your desire comes after stimulation and arousal.
On the other end is spontaneous sexual desire, when your desire comes out of the blue or just very easily. We’re more familiar with this one because it’s what we see all the time in mainstream media. The unrealistic portrayals of steamy, spontaneous sex have caused us to inadvertently put it on a pedestal. With that pedestal comes the pressure and expectation to be ready for sex at any time, any day.
The problem comes when those expectations bleed into our own sex lives. We’re not all wired to want sex spontaneously, but we live in a culture that doesn’t tell us there’s another option. With this lack of understanding comes feelings of doubt, shame, and secrecy around how and when we want sex. Are we having enough sex? How much is normal? What level of desire is normal? We get upset at ourselves for not wanting to have sex wherever, whenever. We also get upset at our partners for not wanting to have sex wherever, whenever.
But if you’re turned on by the sound of rain, there’s nothing wrong with you. If you don’t think about sex until your partner starts to coax your body, there’s also nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. We’re all wired differently. If you lean more responsive than spontaneous, you’re going to need that build-up. If your partner is more responsive, understanding it can take the pressure off of them to try and fit into a spontaneous model.
Wait a minute, what about those of us who feel responsive sometimes and spontaneous at other times? What about when it just depends on the day? It makes more sense when you take into consideration what Dr. Emily Nagoski’s calls “brakes” and “accelerators” in her book, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. These brakes and accelerators are factors that our brains recognize as turn-ons or turn-offs. Each of us has our own unique brakes and accelerators. The sound of rain? That’s an accelerator for some. The squeaking of a bed? That could be a brake for someone else. Things like stress, chores, children, and work responsibilities can affect us differently. They hit the brakes for some, and they hit the accelerators for others.
How does that relate to our responsive or spontaneous desire? The excitement of being with a new partner may override your brakes even if you’re typically a sexually responsive person. You may not need the build-up and coaxing you’d normally need with a long-term partner. On the other hand, maybe you’re pretty sexually spontaneous, but you’re currently dealing with a lot of stress at work. If more factors are pumping your brakes than your accelerators, you may not be as spontaneous as you are when those stressors are out of the way.
Spontaneous and responsive desire, and brakes and accelerators. These all play a role in our sex lives whether we’re aware of them or not. They also make our desire for sex anything but simple. Once we have that initial awareness, we have the opportunity to operate out of compassion and understanding with ourselves and our partners. By getting to know our own sexual response cycles, we can come to a deeper understanding of ourselves. And then? Hopefully, it leads us to even more fulfilling sex.