Before I started using a copper IUD (Paraguard) for birth control, I researched—and I mean like four-pages-of-Google researched. Frankly, I was disappointed in the lack of information out there about what this experience is actually like. As I scrolled through blurb after blurb, I read things like, “Words can’t say what insertion feels like,” or, “I can’t really describe the way my period changed.” Well, ladies and people with uteruses, this is my attempt to describe exactly how my copper IUD experience went. From start to finish, no sugar coating, or beating around the bush—pun intended. Here’s what it’s really like to get the copper IUD.
After taking a quiz on Planned Parenthood’s website to see which birth control could be right for me, I found the copper IUD. A form of birth control without all the hormone fuckery? Check. Birth control that prevents pregnancy at an astonishing 99% rate? Check. Birth control I could get and then forget about? Check! Hallelujah chorus plays I thought I had found birth control that fit me to a “T,” so I booked my gynecologist’s next available opening.
First, I had to have a consultation. A nurse practitioner explained to me how an IUD works and the differences between the hormonal ones and the non-hormonal, copper alternative. Then we booked a day for me to come in and get it placed in my uterus. She gave me instructions for my insertion day, the day I lovingly refer to as, “IUD Day.” In hopes of making the insertion go smoother, I was given two pills to insert in my vagina the night before my appointment. I did as I was told. About four hours after I had planted the pills in my secret garden, I awoke to some of the worst cramps I had ever had in my life. To this very day, I say that was the most painful part of the whole shebang.
When morning came, my sister went with me to the appointment to help calm my nerves. I put on the backless paper robe and laid back with my feet in the stirrups as the nurse practitioner narrated her every move. As she placed the IUD she said, “Cramp, cramp, cramp!” And that’s exactly what it felt like—three intense cramps in the most vulnerable part of my being. My sister squeezed my hand as I took a sip of the fruit juice they gave me. After we arrived back home, I took Motrin, placed a heating pad on my belly, and rested all day.
I had cramps here and there throughout the following weeks. I was told those would go away after my body got used to hosting my IUD. I was also told that my periods would return to normal after three to six months. Neither of those things happened. In fact, my cramps and bleeding got worse. My IUD cramps didn’t feel like my dull, achy period cramps. Instead, they felt like I had a searing hot poker inside of me. They pinched sharply and burned—in traffic, in meetings, on dates—always at the worst times.
I decided to break up with my IUD after 15 months of being together. The removal process was easy peasy, lemon squeezy. I put on the backless paper robe and laid back with my feet in the stirrups as the nurse practitioner said, “Deep breath in.” And she removed it as I exhaled. I felt a slight tugging and then I saw my copper IUD dangling in the air. A profound sense of relief washed over me—head to cervix.
Even though there’s no “I” in “uterus,” what happens in my womb is my choice and my choice alone. I still feel empowered by my decision to get the copper IUD and by my decision to remove it—because I made both of those choices with my wellbeing in mind.
Now that’s a win. Period.
In order to send her off in style, I wrote my IUD a eulogy:
Dear IUD,
Thank you for protecting me from pregnancy. Without you, I could’ve had a bartender baby with hazel eyes or a Marine Corps baby with bright blonde hair. I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t. Your protection empowered me to explore sex and relationships without the worry that held me back for so long. It took some time to trust you, but once I did, you never let me down. I will never forget the time we had together.
From my uterus with love, Jordan
