While sex education is becoming more accessible to the public, there are still plenty of misconceptions out there. Unrealistic portrayals in the media, tabloid sensationalism, and fabricated stories from friends have all ingrained a false perception of sex in our society.
One of the many roles of a sex therapist is to guide people to a healthier and more accurate understanding of sex. Here are seven of the most popular, yet misleading beliefs* that sex therapists continuously debunk with clients:
- You Should Be Having Sex Often
There is no normal amount of sex to have. In fact, Julie Morris, MA, CST, points out, “The pressure of the invisible norm puts many people in a situation where they don’t feel like they have a choice regarding how much sex to have.” When you separate the differences between how often you want sex and how often you feel like you should want sex, you can be more confident about the sex life you pursue.
- Vaginal Orgasms Are Common
The majority of vagina-bearing people require clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Not only that, Morris mentions, “The clitoris runs so deep that what many think are vaginal orgasms are actually deep clitoral orgasms.”
- Taking Too Long to Orgasm Means Something’s Wrong
Not only is there pressure to reach the elusive vaginal orgasm, but there’s also pressure to get there quickly. The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a study in 2019 that found it takes men an average of 5-7 minutes to orgasm while it takes women an average of 13.26 minutes. That’s almost double.
”Often, women believe they have anorgasmia, which is a regular difficulty reaching orgasm, because they don’t give themselves enough time to get there,” says Dr. Nancy García-Ruffin. “So, settle in, take your time, and enjoy the ride.”
- You Have to Be Turned On to Get Sexual
Many people don’t realize they have responsive sex drives, they get into the mood as they’re stimulated, rather than at the mention of stimulation. “It’s okay to start getting sexual before the desire catches up,” says Morris. To get a more in-depth view of this, read about the sexual response cycle on our site.
- A Good Lover Should Know How to Pleasure You
Dr. García-Ruffin says, “A good lover understands that everyone has different sexual needs and is not afraid to ask what those are.” She suggests taking charge of your own pleasure and replacing the expectation of a partner giving you an orgasm with a more partnered approach of showing them how to help you orgasm.
- Sex Doesn’t Change with Age or the Length of a Relationship
“People think that couples who have been in a relationship for 10 or 20 years should have the same type of sexual connection they had when they first met in terms of frequency, desire, and interest,” says Dr. Nagma V Clark. If you’re not the same person you were five years ago, why do you expect your sex life to be the same?
- Men Should Always Want Sex
The media often portrays men as uncontrollable, walking-talking sex engines with a brain up top and a brain down under. Dr. García-Ruffin combats that idea and the idea that men should always be expected to initiate, “There are myriad reasons why someone might not initiate sex. Some examples include lower libido, lack of pleasure, stress in and/or outside the relationship, medical/mental health problems, or medication side effects.”
While many of these misconceptions apply to relationships across the spectrum, they mostly speak to heterosexual relationships.