In the intricate dance of romantic relationships, understanding the difference between love and possession can profoundly impact our connections with our partners. Lana May is a relationship coach known as the Man Whisperer. Kiana Reeves is a somatic sex educator, certified sexological bodyworker, pelvic health practitioner, certified doula, and Foria’s Chief Education Officer. The two of them offer insights into how to differentiate love and possession.
Defining Love and Possession
“Love is about giving, abundance, and wanting the best for your partner. It is selfless and focuses on happiness and growth. On the other hand, possession is not about love; it stems from insecurity, fear, and a sense of lack,” says May. “Possession is driven by a need for dominance and control over the other person. It is highly selfish and leaves no room for personal growth. Possession can escalate into emotional or physical abuse.”
At the root of it, Reeves explains that possession comes from the fear response of losing something we want to protect. It manifests as “an unconscious approach to a loving relationship that often results in mistrust and fear within the relational dynamic.”
Recognizing Possessive Behaviors
Identifying possessive behaviors is the first step in addressing them effectively. These behaviors can manifest in various ways within a relationship. Sometimes, it might look like controlling your partner’s time, invading their privacy, or even obsessively tracking their schedule and spending habits.
Reeves recommends taking a moment to reflect on your needs and expectations within the partnership. “Writing a list about how you want your relationship to feel can start to clarify where these behaviors are showing up the most, often they can be tied to jealousy.” She also recommends working with a third party who can help identify those behaviors.
Where do these possessive behaviors come from? May shares that they’re often coming from insecurities of not being enough or not being lovable.
“The best way to deal with this is to identify the root cause and understand what triggers these insecurities and fears in the first place.”
The Role of Communication
Communication plays an undeniable role in guiding couples to distinguish between love and possession. Reeves emphasizes the importance of open, honest conversations to foster trust and intimacy within the relationship. When trust is firmly established, it acts as a shield against possessiveness.
“Being truthful with one’s partner, and more importantly with oneself, is the first step in addressing possessive behavior and maintaining healthy boundaries,” says Reeves.
Recognizing possessiveness in your partner is also essential. May says to trust your intuition, “If something feels off and you suspect manipulation or control, trust your instincts and understand that it is unacceptable. Do not ignore red flags such as controlling tendencies, excessive jealousy, isolation from friends and family, guilt trips, or manipulative behavior.”
Understanding love and possession is crucial for maintaining healthy and fulfilling connections with our partners. By embracing the qualities of love – trust, generosity, authenticity, and open communication – couples can build stronger bonds while avoiding the pitfalls of possession.
“In a healthy dynamic, love is not about control but rather about freedom and happiness,” says May.