I felt like a late bloomer when I first had sex. I was in my early 20’s, and as far as I was concerned, everyone else was way ahead of me. I think many of us who grew up with conservative backgrounds tend to feel this way, as if we’re always trying to “catch up.”
However, as I began to explore sex, I realized that the value of it is not quantitative, it’s qualitative. We all experience and enjoy different kinds of sex. There is no normal. Whether it’s with one or many partners, kinky or vanilla, anal or vaginal—as long as it’s pleasurable, all is good. But here’s the thing: It’s gotta be pleasurable, and that’s where a lot of us are stuck.
Although I didn’t have sex until my 20’s, giving relationship advice had always been my forte. I was the therapist in my friend groups, advising frustrated lovers on how to address an issue or spot a red flag. Relationships were something that I was endlessly fascinated by, and I’d like to think I had sound wisdom to give others. When I began to have sex, my understanding and wisdom leveled up too. How couldn’t it? I loved talking about sex, it was awesome! But as I talked with friends about our sexual experiences, I began to hear hushed conversations around mediocre intimacy and hidden desires. Were we talking about the same thing? I realized how different our fundamental approaches were when it came to sex.
The way that I grew up—sheltered from much of mainstream messaging—left me clueless in many manners when it came to sex. I missed out on a lot of positive messaging (like it’s ok to have premarital sex), but I also missed out on negative messaging as well (looking at you, faked orgasms).
Female sexual pleasure isn’t prioritized in media, in conversations, or in movies. Important information, like the need for clitoral stimulation for the majority of female orgasms, isn’t easily accessible. It doesn’t help that female sexual pleasure has never been studied at the same level as male sexual pleasure. In fact, we didn’t have actual 3-D sonography of the stimulated clitoris until 2009! Researchers who have prioritized studying female sexuality have brought so much information to the table in the past few decades, so why is it that many women still don’t even know their own anatomy? The only reason we’ve dubbed it mysterious is because of the medical system’s entrenched misogyny.
I had to learn about sexual pleasure on my own, but unlike many others, I was learning it as an adult. I didn’t have to buy into the concept that sex always looked like pornography. I simply hadn’t been exposed to that idea. I also already knew how to speak up. Having always advocated for myself in personal and professional spheres, it only made sense that I would advocate for myself during solo and partnered sex as well. If something didn’t feel good, I spoke up about it. If it did, I spoke up about it too. I believed that my pleasure was a priority, and my sex life reflected it. This whole idea of speaking up came naturally to me, but it wasn’t until later that I realized how revolutionary it was.
From a young age, we’re taught that the less space we take up, the more valuable we are. The less concerns we bring up, the more we deserve to be at the table. Subconsciously, it’s so easy for us to try to become smaller both physically and mentally. So, when we take the time to own the space we take up, something incredible happens. When we speak up for ourselves, we go against all the conditioning we’ve received from the world.
We begin to claim our own pleasure. It’s not just our sex lives that become transformed as we take up space. It’s every aspect of our lives. It’s in the board rooms, as we negotiate rates and raises. It’s in relationships, as we leave toxic friends. It’s in family connections, as we create and uphold healthy boundaries. Any good relationship, be it sexual or platonic, thrives when we understand our own wants and needs. Understanding our innate value allows us to stand firm and take what is ours. It also allows us to give others space to be their fullest selves.
My friends still ask me for advice when it comes to sex. My biggest tips? Understand yourself, and then advocate for yourself. Life’s too short to have bad sex.